The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
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Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*