“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
kevin is now a local weatherman
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC