No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
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Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Received some very disappointing news today
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.