One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
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Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.