Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
one of
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
#parenting
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I unironically love this joke.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!