Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
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ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Sign of the day..
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.