“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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the worm is coming from inside the brain
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook