I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist