This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
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Don’t make me out nice you.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Awesome parenting 😂
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.