if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
You Might Also Like
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Life cycle of cat
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Hot Hot Hot
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not