Did a trash talking tree write this?
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HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week