The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
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*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
car not found
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.