APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
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Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games