8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
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My horoscope said I should kiss you today
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
#Caturday
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.