I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
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The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.