God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
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I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
no
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Damn what did I do next
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.