Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
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My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.