I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
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“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.