Tell me you get it…🤣
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Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law