SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Is….Is this an option?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Cake!!
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I’m giving up ice.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats