Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
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for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.