A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
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My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.