I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
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A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Breaking news:
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
guys I’m going home
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?