Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
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Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.