Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
You Might Also Like
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
(Gaming support cat.)
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
wtf management?!
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer