Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
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[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues