“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
You Might Also Like
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Why font matters.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
My typo game is string.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.