This is not me but this is me
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.