COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
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Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not