They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
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we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.