Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.