I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
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Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.