My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
So sick of all these stupid rules
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.