If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Good dog. ❤️
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!