Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid