Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“HELP WITH CAT”
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.