It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
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Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.