I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
You Might Also Like
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.