[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 馃幎 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 馃幎
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he鈥檚 a doctor
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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it鈥檚 not my blood
馃悤馃嵎
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I鈥檓 the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Don鈥檛 let the British accent fool you. I鈥檓 not saying anything smart
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.