All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
You Might Also Like
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits