My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?