don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
You Might Also Like
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
fourth time’s the charm
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious