Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
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Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
SPLOOT
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’m sorry…what?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names