I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!