Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
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doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
new year update: losing everything but weight
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.