6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
happy friday
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant