DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly