-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
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Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Made something I’m not proud of
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*