Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
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did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Can’t, holding a grudge
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.