Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
bad news gang
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)